The Cruise Review I Posted on Cruise Critic

I plan to write more about the substantive portions of our Mediterranean cruise, but since I took the time to post a review on Cruise Critic, I felt I should include it.

If you're offended by the idea that kids don't get to do whatever they want whenever they want, and if you think super-fat people should be able to claim they have special rights that allow them to prevent the rest of the world from enjoying themselves, then don't read this.

We are a 28-year old newly married couple, with a background in Maritime Affairs. We have cruised 3+ times per year since we met three years ago. Four of these cruises have been on Norwegian Cruise Lines. We usually chose Norwegian because of its convenience - in the two major cities in which we have lived (New Orleans and New York), NCL had cruise ships in port less than one mile from our home. I suppose the other reason we enjoy Norwegian is because we enjoy seeing new places, and NCL is usually the first company to visit the most "new" places.

We also cruise to be together and to experience new places. So if you're someone who loves to "participate" in all of the events, visit the bars, etc., then I won't be much help here. However, if you're a person who believes in a (relatively) peaceful vacation, and that kids don't rule the entire planet, then you'll find my review helpful.

We didn't book this trip on the Jade ourselves. My parents (aged 60) are avid NCL cruisers because they don't feel like being told when to eat. But since they always travel in one of the highest cabin categories (think all-too-large suites that have way more space than they need), they don't see many of the problems inherent in traveling on a full capacity ship. Every response from the "special" butler and concierge staff is "whatever you want, whenever you want it," and it carries a hefty price tag. Luckily, on this cruise, my husband and I got all of the benefits of this service, as my father tipped the concierge and asked her to do so.

Let's start with the things my husband cares about: they don't give accurate maps! They do not want to help you at all if you're not interested in taking an "NCL" excursion. I understand that the necessary insurance causes these trips to be overpriced, but that's not our chief complaint. Our chief complaint is that the only style of excursion available on the Jade makes you hate, hate, hate the cities the Jade visits. There was one kayaking tour in Malaga - there should be more like this - "get up and go" action cruises - so that those of us who are healthy and who don't enjoy the company of children and parents who don't know how to raise said children, can enjoy ourselves.

If I have to "board [my] luxury motorcoach" one more time, I'm jumping overboard. On said "luxury motor coach," there is always a middle-aged and really fat couple who "reserve" the front seat of the bus for their "handicap" (their FATNESS). They hobble off the bus taking the maximum amount of time possible to see every jiggle of their fat and every wheeze of their awful health. They should be forced to go last. (These are the same people who complain about how there is not enough food available).

Then, there are loud families from non-English speaking countries who pretend they don't speak English so that they can have a right to be RUDE. They sing loudly while the tour guide is trying to talk, and they come into the bus reeking of smoke and still finishing their cigarettes.

Then there are the children. Ugh, the children. They, truth be told, weren't a ton of excursion problems (mostly because we tended to choose tours that had specific age minimums). There was one kid, about ten years old, named Tyler from North London (watch out for him) who had ZERO concept of personal space, and his parents cared not one bit.

Let's move from the excursions to the cabins - the cabins were fine. We had a lackluster cabin steward, but we've learned that's typical of NCL. My dad's policy is to tip in advance and receive preferential treatment. Sometimes the steward didn't take care of everything, like throwing away used soda cans. But you know what? I am also a person who doesn't believe in catering to slobs, so it doesn't bother me that much. Towels were replaced, toilets, sinks, and showers were sanitized, beds were made, sheets were cleaned, floors were vacuumed. That is all I ask.

The food was pretty bad, but then again, I'm a pretty picky eater. My body rejects processed, over chemically treated food, so I was at a loss for anything to eat, save for Cagney's. I found the service at the Italian restaurant to be great, but the food to be mediocre. Everything about Cagney's, however, is wonderful. Two of the three people for whom I wrote favorable reviews work in Cagney's (the other is the future cruise consultant).

THE WORST PART OF THE CRUISE WAS THE NON-ENFORCEMENT OF RULES FOR KIDS.

The kids had a "curfew" of 1:00 a.m. This was awful if the ship was supposed to dock at 7:00 a.m. for a full day of sightseeing. The kids also didn't have much to do, and the parents were not interested in watching them. This one 16-year-old, Gavin from Reno, the playboy of the bunch, had a harem following him. He would lead many exciting nighttime activities, including playing a loud boom box in the stairwell past curfew (his refusal to move caused my mother to trip over him on her way down the stairs), sliding down the bannisters of the stairwells, and throwing other kids into the (adults only) pool. But Gavin was merely a representative of the crowd on this ship. The kids overall had NO respect for any activity that did not apply to them - a bunch of rude kids crowded into one of the lounges during the presentation about the Epic, the new NCL ship. They chatted as if nothing were happening, and they refused to move out of the view of the presentation screen. There were hordes of kids running through the Alizar dining room at 9:00 at night when mostly adults were trying to eat. One of the dining rooms should really limit kids after certain hours.

The kids also sang during "adults only karaoke," which would have been fine, except one of the kids chose a disgusting rap song full of curses and disgusting content (like the "n" word over and over again). The staff did nothing about any of this. When I complained to guest relations, he said he couldn't do anything, and didn't apologize. had the cruise been any longer, I would have thrown these kids overboard myself. The parents refused to respond to this behavior, and often, my parents, husband, and I found ourselves disciplining these kids ourselves. The kids didn't seem to mind (except the aforementioned Tyler brat), and they followed our requests, which proves that the kids are generally good and it's the parents that need to be smacked.

I take the most issue with the staff doing nothing about the kids sticking their fingers in the buffet. NCL is notorious for its fear of a gastrointestinal virus, and has people "spraying" passengers at every inch of the ship. Yet they do not supervise the buffet in any real way. I routinely saw young children picking food with their fingers and putting it back. I routinely saw parents watching their children doing that, and saying nothing to their children about their behavior. It made me sick to think about eating at the buffet.

Two "sanitation" incidents regarding diapers. One kid crapped in the pool, even though kids who are not toilet trained aren't allowed in pools. Second, one set of parents who have a special place in the ninth circle of h*ll, decided it would be more convenient for them and less smelly in their cabin if they jammed their kid's dirty diaper in the toilet. This resulted in the entire port side's toilet system being backed up for several hours and a lovely note in everyone's daily cruise newsletter reminding people to put only toilet paper in toilets.

There was also a rowdy Belgian family that had SEVEN children - they all came bounding into the library at the same time screaming and yelling. When the librarian did NOTHING, my husband had to yell, "EXCUSE ME! THIS IS A LIBRARY!" (can you tell we're both teachers? we understand that kids are kids but this sort of behavior we witnessed is so unfair to the other 50% of kids on this trip who were beautifully behaved). The father responded to my husband with, "well they're excited about their trip. they are going to scream." Too bad there's not a popular derogatory term for Belgians.

Children also routinely filled the "adults only" pool. They also routinely filled the "adults only" hot tub. I don't understand - they refuse to take a bath at home, but put the bath on a boat and add some bubbles, and suddenly something that resembles a bath is sooo attractive?

The entertainment on the trip was on and off. There was a really bad comedian who basically took pot-shots at a bunch of drunk women, which was stupid, not entertainment. But on the other hand, there was this really talented acrobatics team who "stole the show" for all nights of shows.

So the summary:

1. learn about the ports yourself (and what is available at these ports) before you get on board, because NCL purposely shields you from any "real" information that will not make them revenue.

2. Complain about the kids every day. Write down incidents and take names. if enough people make it known that these kids are annoying, then they'll start enforcing some rules, and we can all enjoy our cruise. Kids test boundaries, so set some and stick to them, and they'll fall in line and still have a good time.

3. Don't eat at the Asian fusion restaurant because they are extremely unpolished, don't understand "allergy," and they smashed a glass in my dad's face (accident, but it wasn't hard not to smash the glass).

4. If you can afford it, buy a "concierge class" cabin, or make friends with someone who can. You'll be immune from lots of the annoyances that would have made this trip unbearable if not for my parents' cabin's level of service.

5. Don't have kids unless you really want to spend time with them and raise them to be good people. Their bad behavior is just a cry out for their parents to care about them, and spend their vacation WITH them, not just "near" them.